Rebecca is my mate, strong, gutsy and superbly talented. I knew she would be great company and a reliable assistant on this three week
remote area bush-walk; taking clients to a waterfall in the far northwest of Australia.. a place no whitefellas ever been.
Bec was a tour guide and a bush-girl so she knew the quandary of
dealing with clients in the elements. A natural with a powerful stride, her ability to dance across the rocks under the weight of a heavy pack was both seamless and graceful. She inspired people to open their eyes and experience the true beauty of the Australian bush, capitalising on the risk they had already undertaken in signing up for the trip and climbing deep into the stone country to challenge and uncover a part of
themselves that resides only in the quiet corners of the spirit.
Together we navigated a path thru the harsh terrain and laughed our way across some of the most inhospitable broken country, passing packs, hauling clients fording dubious crocodile waters and ensuring the clients never felt anything less than confident in our abilities to lead, to divert attention and to entertain.
One day we had walked and walked and the hope of finding a
comfortable and aesthetically pleasing campsite was proving more
difficult than I thought. The terrain was thick, the sun was fierce and the undulation of the country was manipulative and misleading. The clients were tired, I was geographically impaired and the sun was falling
heavily into hiding and all my instincts screamed to just set up camp at the next waterway….if only I could find one. Bec whispered quietly that the clients were grumbling and we needed to stop, I acquiesced and as the country fell away and the sun bid farewell we eventually stumbled across a creek system that was soiled by cattle, foul smelling and
trickling a bright orange.
‘Camp’ I yelled… ‘any complaints put them in writing and I’ll use them to start the fire’
As the exhausted clients moaned amongst themselves, a little disappointed at the quality of camp but ultimately relieved we had stopped, Bec dropped her heavy pack gave me a wink and headed to the creek to cool down and wash off the days arduous efforts. Earlier she had
offloaded some clients pack weight to better their pace, never for a moment complaining under the strains of her own pack. She was great like that. Bloody tough and hardy.
After gathering wood and starting the fire, I scooped up the cooking pots and empty water bladders and walked upstream to where Bec’s clothes lay on the bank.
Bloody average pay off for a long day walking I thought but hey, at least I hadn’t needed to chase the cattle out of this waterhole or pull putrid carcasses from upstream so as not to contaminate the water we drank.
As I wandered upstream I heard her call out-
‘Meeeaallsss, can you come here a minute, quickly?’ a slight upper
inflection creeping in at the end to suggest something was not quite right.
Once again she called, this time more urgently
‘Meals!’
Clipped, concise and all…. come quick!
As I approached the top of the sandy bank she was standing naked in the knee deep water, her legs apart looking straight up at me, her eyes wide, shocked, an expression I couldn’t immediately place.
‘Look!’ she motioned, dropping her eyes to between her legs.
I could not see anything in the dimming light so walked down the bank. She began to nervously laugh
‘Look.’ she implored ‘Fuck!’
Oh my.
Our laughter exploded, both of us paralysed as we were hurled
headfirst down the corridors of hysteria.
Clients looked up from tent construction and started to laugh,
‘You girls alright?’ someone called out
‘Yep. Fine.’ Bec yelled back, a little too quickly ‘Amelia just found a tic’
This of course would of been very believable to them, the bush is full of ticks and we had removed several on this very trip. I mean the removal of the tick buried deep in the hairy perineum of Barrister Paul from
Melbourne was a real highlight thus far.
But no, this wasn’t a tic just behind the balls; it was a leech somewhere in the lady garden
There it was, plain as day, completely unaware it was on borrowed time and making the most of its brief tenure.
A leech growing so big it was rapidly becoming legendary.
‘Stop laughing, get it off get it off!’ she cried
The little critter now doubled in size, was showing no signs of losing ground on its rapid growth spurt.
‘Get it off!’ Bec cried between deep gasps,shaking both hands like an excited child. We were still hysterical.
I took a closer look, the little fucker was actually wriggling to the rhythm, fattening up with every burst of laughter, and I really had to get down low to have a good look.
‘Get up on the bank into the better light so I can see where it’s actually attached’
I said
‘Hurry, how do you get these things off?’ Bec shrieked
‘Well, usually I light a match and burn it off till it shrivels and falls off’
Having walked into the better light I realised the match trick was not
going to be possible. This was no place for an open flame.
So I tugged on it.
‘Arghh!’ she yelped.
Ok, this was not going to be easy.
In an attempt to be serious I knelt down and did my best ‘take it easy I’ll get this thing off you and we’ll laugh for days about it’ spiel, she was not having any of it. So positioning my head right underneath her naked form, looking up between her legs mere centimetres from her privacy quarters, I took a deep breath and with a three fingered Girl Scout salute, I went in.
‘Oh fuck, its right up there’ I said ‘This is only the tail end’
‘What?’ she cried
‘Stand still, I need to feel where it begins’ I grabbed on to her bum cheek to gain purchase and steady myself. I had to locate the head of the beast and then somehow get my nail under its suction point and peel it off. It was big, it was really big and it had gone deep, further
inside, was there no end to this Goliath?
‘Just get it out, get it out’ she said ‘use two hands up there if need be’
‘Relax princess’ I said, ‘this isn’t Mardi Gras’
This leech was now wrestling for space against my hand, going deeper into its shelter.
I was becoming concerned, here I was with my oldest friend, my bushwalking assistant and confidante, the light had gone, I couldn’t get a grip on the leech and now the clients were starting to circle, curious why no billy was boiling, dinner was not being cooked and why we were
standing in the dusky light laughing, Bec naked as a baby and me, their guide with my hand wrist deep inside her.
We all sat around the fire eating our dinner
‘Where exactly was it attached?’ asked quietly spoken child
psychologist Audrey
‘Lets just say it was up to pussies bow’ I said scooping another spoonful of curry onto Audrey’s plate to shut her up.
‘Are you ok Rebecca?’ another client asked
‘I’m ok’ she said meekly, ‘just a little tired and not very hungry’
Hmm, something was wrong, Bec was not usually this quiet and
leeches don’t make you lose your appetite. It had been some hours since the event and I had checked on her constantly. We had giggled about it and she promised me she was ok.
I dragged her behind the tree and decided to pull rank. Like a primary school bully I demanded she pull her pants down and show me the pad I had given her to ensure there was no extra bleeding and the beast had been rounded up and removed. Reluctantly she did and as she started to lower her pants we both screamed
Oh. My. God!
There, fallen from grace with the weight of her blood having filled it’s bloated corpse was the partner of the first villain, bigger and more proudly obese than its mate. It tumbled to the ground landing like a blimp falling from the sky bouncing once or twice before coming to rest on its side. We both leapt back in shock, my head-torch zeroed in on the beast.
‘FAAARRRK, that thing has been feeding for hours’ I said stomping on it, bursting it like a syrup filled water balloon captured in slow motion, her blood flecked across my cheek.
‘BLOODY HELL!’ Bec said slowly, staring down at her pants, the ground in front, my blood stained ankle then eventually looking me straight in the eye,
‘can you promise to NEVER tell anyone about this?’
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